May 28, 2007

My Life

Scribbled by Angelina

My life might seem an easy life to many. Well, it IS better than many, but like most, there's a bitter story behind it.

As you all know, parents way back in time don't really know how to "love" their children. They don't know the necessary care a child needs, and therefore children then have hearts filled with hatred, jealousy, revenge, anger and other negative feelings. My mum and her siblings happened to be one of the batches of such children. When my mum grew up, she married a rich man (my biological father), and thus causing jealousy among the siblings. They boycotted her. They hated the fact that my father drives a Volvo, when they can't even afford a car. They hated the fact that my father can afford books worthed hundreds of ringgits back then, when they have to save up to buy newspapers.

Life still went on, until one day. My father was hospitalized when doctors found out that he had lung cancer - too much smoking. My father told my mum that he was going to be okay, and that he was going to come back. My mum had faith in him, until one day, "I am fighting a losing battle," he said. Days later, I never saw him again. I was only two years old. During his funeral, not even one person attended. My mum was devastated. A few days after his death, a relative called to ask," When are you getting a maid? When are you getting a new car? When are you buying a new house?" At that stage, my mum only had RM10,000 my father had left her. You should be able to guess the intention of the questions.

With totally no support emotionally and financially, my mum gave herself 3 choices:

1. Send me to a temple and commit suicide.
2. Send me to my relatives and look for work (I'd probably be tortured to death there)
3. Or try raising me with the RM10,000 in hand.

She chose the third option. First, she rented a house, then put an advertisement in the local newspapers offering day-care services. Business started. She worked and took care of me at the same time, but I got enough attention as her job is only to take care of the kids, in that case including me.

But it wasn't enough, she wants a better life, leading to her opening a licensed kindergarten at a rented corner-house. Besides, the government was going to close down illegal day-care operators and she needed a license. Things were still fine then, she met my "new" father and there are around 30-40 students. I was still well taken care of. At this stage, I was only 6 years old.

A year later, the kindergarten had to be moved to another house as the house owner sold the house to someone. The number of students increased from 30 to almost 80 students. A kindergarten land was for sale at the same time. My mum made the decision to buy it. That was when heaven turned into hell for me. Money was really short and my mum and father had to do some extra business to raise money. I had to follow them to long trips delivering goods to stores and to wholesale dealers to get the goods. Sometimes, I had to stay up till 2am - 3am to pack the goods. I was 8 years old.

And neglected I was. Every time I say I want to go somewhere, my mum just drops me off on the way while delivering goods - no questions asked. What if I'm going out with a total stranger? I asked her, "Mummy, why you don't care about me?" She answered in a frustrated way, "You think everyone so free only take care of you? You want you go find other people free enough to take care of you, I'm more than happy to send you to them."

I cried. Many a time it happened. And I stopped questioning. She forgets special occasions and doesn't even know when is my exams. I was too deprived of love that I even start having crushes even when I was 8, all because those boys talked to me more than my mum did. My studies deteriorated since then, and I only scored 5 A's in UPSR.

Secondary 2. Life seemed better, we moved to a higher class area but I guess our relationship had been ruined. I was one joyful girl until she scolded me for some stupid reason during the November holidays and I never talked to ANYONE for two entire months. I became the cold-hearted, cool girl at home, even after we started talking. I seldom smile at home and stuff, and I seek my attention from outside and on the net, which clearly explains my addiction.

Kay, tired after typing such a looooooooong entry. May continue when I'm in the mood =S

~ Angelina

4 Voices:

Bnanaq said...

Hi Angelina, your story is very touching but I think you will be fine. Life is so demanding at times till sometimes we got lost and forgot what we are fighting for in the first place...just like ur mum. She wants to give you a better life so that you could be a better person, but in the process of doing so, she got 'lost' and neglected you. Instead of asking why she stopped caring about you, you should care about her more. Talk to her more often and improve your EQ so that you could communicate with her more effectively. She needs your support deep down inside, as she is actually fighting this battle for you too. If by any chance you turned bad, then all of your mum's effort was pointless. And, trust me, it takes a lot of from a mother to give birth to a child. You will know this one day..

Angelina said...

Yea, I know, I can't really blame her either, but talking to her is like ineffective. But nevermind, life still goes on like normal, just that we aren't as close as before =/

Thanks for your comments =)

blueapple said...

u stop talking for two months??
I tried but lasted like 1 hour only...
Btw be happy with life and be glad its not worst than that. rite?

Angelina said...

Ya, at least our lives are better than most of the people, especially those who can't even afford anything to eat =) Might not be perfect but meh xD