Aug 10, 2009Scribbled by Angelina
It's 3am. Two essays incomplete. Due tomorrow. Or, I should say, in a few hours' time.
I guess I wouldn't be able to properly concentrate on my tasks if I didn't blog this out. I think I'm going through another age transition. This is my second one, I think.
The first was about 3 or 4 years ago. The advancing to secondary school took me to a different level of life. I felt like I was a kid, but life showed otherwise. Homework required a different level of thinking, a higher level of maturity to be exact. I wasn't ready to think like an all-matured teenager. All I longed, at that stage, was to play catch with my friends and argue over which guy was cuter.
But the demands of the society were different. They wanted to see a statistic of many A's and watch you bury yourself in a mountain of books every hour of the day. The demands of home greatly differs with what we enjoy with our friends. I guess I got confused without knowing it, and thus got very depressed (dig up my previous posts, don't be shocked). I couldn't understand why I was feeling angry and sad for no reason, but I guess I do now.
I sense another transition coming, again. In fact, I think it is already happening. As much as I want to continue feeling like a carefree teenager with no worries, I couldn't.
At first, I thought college life was fun. The lecturers don't chase you with a cane for your homework. They do not even yell or scold. It is more like, "If you wanna do your homework, then that's good. If you don't, I don't really care either, it's not my results, it's not my problem."
Joo thought I'd be happy with this situation. I thought I'd love the extra freedom. But I guess I was wrong. Previously, the fate of our results is a burden of the teachers. They were the ones who carry the stress, they were the ones who worry for us. They cane, they scream, they nagged. All we need to do is complete our homework, study and grumble.
Now, they don't worry for us anymore. We have to worry about our results, we have to take the initiative to walk that extra mile, our future is now really in our hands. I hate to admit this, but, I think I'm missing school. I swore back then that I would never miss school, but I guess I was wrong.
The society in college is so different from school. They act differently, talk differently and have all sorts of attitudes, most which do not really appeal to me. This tiny taste of the outside world made me feel like I was a katak di bawah tempurung (frog in the well). I realised that there was much of life which I have not seen.
And to have all that coming to me all of a sudden (with my AS level exams four months after my first day in college), I think I'm feeling confused all over again. I really, really hope the depression wouldn't come back. Those were the worst years of my life. Or bittersweet, I would say. It is so bad that it is an unbearable bitter stage, but so good at the same time that it is extraordinarily sweet.
I really want to have "fun" in a teenager's context, but I couldn't. Because what was fun to me then, wasn't now. A few months back, I was a highly-obsessed Sims fan. Now, I couldn't even start to imagine how much time that game would strip off me. My daily-dos mostly alternate between college work and my mum's work. I wish I could literally buy time for leisure. Unfortunately, the universe doesn't work that way. If only they have personal blackholes for sale, I could bend space-time and slow things down.
Things are just moving too fast, way to fast. So fast I couldn't even grasp onto my life and hold it into position that I just feel like I'm falling apart. Falling into a high-density blackhole faster than the speed of light, where part of me falls faster than the rest; slowly, or rather, exceedingly quickly tearing me apart.
4am. Still have two essays to complete. Time doesn't wait. See what I mean?
P.S.: I just noticed, this is my 100th post. Happy 100th post to me.